Perhaps I Need a Hat

“I’m considering learning to wear pants.”

If a man told me that, I’d wonder.

I’m considering learning to wear hats.

Nobody told me that. It’s actually something I’m considering. Wonder if you want, then listen.

When a man in a hat passes a pretty woman on the street, he can tip his hat to her. It’s a polite way of saying, “You’re lovely.” Unless what he’s saying depends on the kind of hat — perhaps a backwards baseball hat says something closer to, “I’m a dick.” Being someone who doesn’t wear hats of any kind, at all, ever, the distinction is academic for me.

I don’t wear hats because I feel silly wearing them. But suppose I could learn not to feel silly in a hat — not a baseball hat, but something classier. Then I’d have a respectable way of telling lovely strangers they look lovely.

Are there other ways to do that? Why don’t I know about them?